Intriguing… Inviting… Engaging… Exhilirating… Exhausting… Maddening… Magical… Frustrating… Fulfilling…Delectable… Demanding… Delicious… Delightful… Dreadful… Dreamy… Dreary…Luscious… Ludicrous…

There are moments of jubilation.

Jealousy… Languor… Laughter… Sorrow… Serenity… Sloth… Disappointment… Doubt… Delusion…Excitement... Ecstasy... Emptiness... Humor... Humiliation… Restlessness… Repentance… Malaise…Magnificence… Unimaginable joy… Unrelenting gloom… Temptation… Temperance…

In response, I wait.

Watch… Wonder… Read… Write… Rest… Exhale… Exercise… Anticipate… Acclimate… Curry favors… Cry wolf… Hang in there... Hope… Love… Live…

Errr...

Thanx to Oxford Dictionary help me flick the right words for this one…

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT'S IN MY HEAD ...

AND THE BIGGEST FUCK UP IS -

I CANT EVEN TELL ANYONE ... (this is just killing me!!!)

It's 2007 !!!

Well just thought of blogging today, first blog in the New Year. Fresh start, fresh day at work and I saw a fresh and brand new promo of an upcoming hindi flick Salaam-e-Ishq and since the movie revolves around Love as the common topic I thought would probably talk about Love as my initial focus for the day obviously mentioning the New Year party which I attended in the end.

At times I really feel like asking everyone around me “Have you ever been in love? Terrifying isn’t it – I mean Love? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it implies that anyone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all defenses, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid fucked up life… You give them a piece of you. They did’nt ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore.

Love takes various steps. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you weeping in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should just be friends’ turns into a knife working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart-pain. I hate love. Not that I don’t want it but I just have started kinda hating it, also probably coz I don’t have it hehe… ok I am confused.

The New Year Weekend was awesome fun. Stayed at the Hotel on Saturday night with a close friend and we really freaked out. Chilled around in the room in the evening, hearty buffet dinner and then an early sleep and then a great hearty buffet breakfast in the morning as well. It was Good Maja. I just love my Job. Was very excited for the Saturday night GB party, especially when I got to know that the airline boy is coming to which I agreed and then later also got to know that M&B (that’s his new name) is also joining in.

We reached quite before time. It’s so embarrassing but its cool, not very crowded and the bar was easily accessible. The music started off well with some nice good English numbers which kinda helped me to get a good kick to start off with. I kinda gulped 3 drinks continuously one after the other and kept bugging M&B to keep getting me the drinks when he goes to the Bar.

Corporate guy had a date, so he was busy here and there around him, airline friend was busy giving company to the Mill Boy’s straight friends who had come. He is such a sweetheart – I must say. Well since snow white and my babli were not there, I had to kinda manage and indulge in dirty dancing with the rest. But it was cool, since I could do all this only with ppl I am comfortable with and they all know me too well and it’s just me. Corporate Boy and M&B were a big support. Had given them strict instructions to not leave me alone as I was really high and knew in a worst case could be a lil cheap and fall on them.

Banged into my Ex and kinda ended up in a mess there where we just landed up in some nice hot cosy dancing. It’s just not me but this was probably the first time we met very genuinely and sweetly, probably coz he knew that I was drunk. I think I did that with 2-3 guys where some old sparks were invariably giving me goose bumps again. Don’t remember who, how and why. But it’s ok – no regrets. No one pin pointed anything so am sure was not that bad. Need to be a slut sometimes.

Then met another random guy whom have been speaking to since some time but was just a lil apprehensive to meet up… he kinda knew the mill boy from some dating and all but I was a lil scared of getting in between them even if it was over and done with. But its ok – was sweet, took me out for a small walk topped with some nice, clean and healthy talk. Anyways missed my dinner coz was too busy dancing and prancing around. Was a great party and I am sure we all really enjoyed.

Next day was again fun day, had a bad hangover so went for a nice coffee in the afternoon followed by lunch with the gang minus babli, discussing the last night’s event and giving a download to snow white. The feeling of work was kinda depressing me but today it was’nt really bad. My gosh – how much have I written… gotta end this here… but once again….

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS !!!

Another Year Passes By

It has been interesting to take this last week towards 2007 with so much happening at the Hotel, or all around me.I'm kind of enjoying it. I couldn't manage to squeez in anytime last night though i really felt like blogging. But here I am. Somehow... I do not like to make fuss about 'I do not have time'. I already talk a lot about it. This post is going to be about something else.

The year is coming to an end. Like all good and bad things. Yet, majority of people suddenly come 'alive' during a flash of realisation... 'lemme enjoy before the year ends' and 'make the most of the last week'. Why don't we make the most of every moment we've. Why do we live a little? Why only a few people can actually live a 'lot' inspite of very little time they get? Again... these are the questions I leave in oblivion... I wish they remain unanswered. I wish people find their own answers.

I could make some 1000 resolutions today. I could break them by next week. I could crib about them too. I could enjoy fulfilling them. I could take one more holiday and sneak out to Delhi.I could sleep for two hours more everyday. I could spend one more hour with my friends and my bacchhas. I could watch one more movie in week...

The irony is that all these wishes are too real. I make sure to fulfill most of them everyday. I wish wishes could just remain wishes and not be ever fulfilled.

That last minute...of every year would end...be spent...by singing.. Aaj jaane ki zid na karo...for that which is destined...decided to go....or sometimes...what is already gone...

That unfulfilled feeling generates million other thoughts and words that root you deeper in a real world...wishing for the unreal.

The X Factor

No matter how much you deny, your exe's always have a special place down there, i could say most of the times. I always felt that I would feel extremely odd and offbeat if I face the person I dated for a while, short of words, no conversations to roll over etc etc...

But honestly, it all depends on the way we take things (i know thats quite obvious) but it seriously is . When I planned to meet one of my exe's recently I never quite imagined that I could connect with the person at the same comfort level which I shared over some years ago (coz of me being me) but then it did happen and it was kinda strange and cool.

Yes we all do start with that 5 mins silence and then the occassional routine que's "How's Life ? Bla Bla Bla, but then once u break the ice its good fun - u can pull each other's leg and not even feel bad or ridiculed about it and then have some great light conversations coz u know that the person anyways knows u in and out, and wont judge u or mark u for whatever u say.

Its nice, its fun, its special and most importantly it rings a bell down there...

This makes me complete this stupid blog with something Carrie mentioned in one of the series :-

There is something known as the x-factor. In mathmatics, we learn that x stands for the unknown, a+b=x, but what's really unknown is what plus what equals friendship with an x. Is this an unsolvable equation? Or is it possible to transform a once passionate love into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I couldnt help but wonder... can you be friends with an x?

Something Uncanny !!!

The public face and the private one - we all have our own set of both but the gap between the two is generally none too great...

Just had a conversation with a friend in the evening who went through something tough... and rather than me giving him advice he told me somthing about me which made my mind...

think ! think ! & think !

why ????

Coz he told me something which was so true and I was'nt just ready to accept it all. This was'nt the first time I was advised on something by him but initially as well on a small trip a while back... How at times u feel that no matter how much u try to hide and run from your feelings - ur friends do get to know it ... (nothing serious though - just something general)

Shutters down, defenses up, am i the one who is inexplicably uncomfortable in my own skin ? Feeling that something is not as it seems... I always thought that I have this air of impenetratability that clings to me but now it seems its on a beginning and for a desire to conceal... But what ???

My past, painful insecurities or undesirable qualities ???

I think he was right when he said that meeting a person whom I last dated is all my call. He knew that I am not the one who can just have sex for the heck of it, I will get attached with him once it starts all over again and though i kept denying it he knew it all and I quite didnt have valid points to argue on the same, but it makes me wonder will I always be so complicated in life and would never ... anways

Am home for a while and really happy, good food, driving the car on full speed on gurgaon roads, and ofcourse nothing like catching up that late nite chai with mom and discussing family issues and miss and remember some gr8 moments of Dad, some of them being the same old ones which we have repeated so many times bfore, but still makes our eyes moist and then we both make an excuse and try to walk off the room and indulge in some other kaaam lol :) (dumb we are !!!)

Am i upset ? Not at all Depressed ? Not at all... but jus think all the time...there's a certain opaqueness that cloaks me all the time, my actions, my intentions everything... my depths which i guard always, but at the same time permitting a glimpse of my heart and mind to my closed ones...

But some answers remain cleverly concealed within my shadowy recesses...

Why do people create such a fuss about everything which happens around us ??? Simply put I am - irritated, bugged and confused...

Cant sleeping with someone be ur own call and not have hundred people comment on how u wanna go about certain things. Why do I feel that I get looked down upon just coz I am not in that swinging and flirting mood...

Cant I just be myself and mould and shape things the way I want them to happen.

I dont wanna get ruled always, I know its next to impossible and really difficult, but atleast lemme try ruling my life for sometime...